Overpriced Cakes and Bad TV

Wow, I was tired today. I mean really tired, as in I was about to go air traffic controller right there in the office and just put the head down for an hour or so. If I am ever taken prisoner by bad guys and they are looking to pry information out of me, this is the way. No need to go hardcore, just limit me to six hours of sleep for a couple of nights and I’ll be unloading any information they are looking for (not sure what exactly that would be, perhaps a blow-by-blow recap of the 1988 slam dunk contest?). This bodes well for a guy two months from welcoming a baby into the world, no? Scary.

Anyway, I managed to stay awake long enough to surf the Internet for a bit, and what I discovered did nothing to cheer me up. Sure, fires are raging across the great state of Texas and the unrest in the Middle East continues unabated. But what really darkened my mood was reading that yet another reality show about a maker of designer cakes is debuting this week. Now if you’ve read this blog at all you know that wall to wall reality TV programming is a staple in my house. Up to now my wife has (thankfully) shown no inclination to add this genre to our current lineup, and I can only pray that continues.



I don’t even know where to start with this whole concept. For starters, does it not matter that the cake she’s finishing up in her promo picture is about to slide off the plate? I hope there’s nothing in that martini glass perched perilously on top. It is refreshing to see that the whole thing hasn’t kept her from staying grounded in reality.

“Big corporations, rodeos and rock concerts will spend $500,000 on a party,” she said. “What I charge for a cake is nothing to them. And oftentimes, it feeds 4,000 people. That works out to $5 or $10 per serving. It only seems crazy if you look at the final number.”

Uhh, okay. Forgive me if $10 for a small sliver of cake does seem crazy. I guess the real takeaway from that quote, though, is the fact that rodeos are big in the overpriced designer cake circuit. I would think that guys that are willing to get kicked in the balls by giant bulls and face down the very real prospect of death for an outside chance at winning a check for $8,000 would eschew $10 a slice cake, but maybe not.

People, let me give you a tip. If you need a big cake, go to Costco! Other than the mildly unsettling layer of cream they jam in the middle, they are actually quite tasty. And if you are bored enough to ponder watching this embarrassment of a show, get a hobby!

The Next Three Days- A Brief Review

Aaaaand I am back. Perhaps you assumed I was off on an exotic trip or at least chopping my way through a lengthy list of manly chores. Alas, my recent days have spent watching American Idol and reading The Kite Runner. I actually did just complete painting our nursery, a task that would have taken a normal person six to eight hours but in my case stretched over six grueling evenings. Happily, tonight I put the finishing touches on my effort.

On Sunday I took a quick break from painting to watch The Next Three Days. If you haven’t seen the film and don’t want too much given away (like, for example, the fact that this movie is straight up horrendous) you should stop reading here. You know it’s a bad sign when the DVD starts freezing up an hour and a half into a movie and you half hope it will just completely lock up to put you out of your misery. The good news is that apparently it is relatively easy to break an inmate out of the federal pen in Pittsburgh, should the need arise. So easy in fact, that Russell Crowe’s character (John Brennan) didn’t even get around putting his plan in action until about 70% of the way through the movie.

What transpired for the first 90 minutes? That’s a great question, actually. A good 10 minutes of screen time was taken up by Elizabeth Banks muttering inaudible lines, which forced my wife and I to repeatedly back up the DVD and jack the volume up to levels previously untested on my stereo. Then somewhere along the way there was a five-minute cameo by Liam Neeson, who clearly owed someone either a giant favor or a large gambling debt. His character escaped from prison seven times, then turned himself in every time…because that all makes perfect sense. Supposedly he would always turn himself in because he got tired of waiting for someone to catch him. The main character finds him because he published a book about his successful escapes. Now I’m no expert here, but my sense is that breaking out of prison seven times tacks on a good stretch of time to your sentence, such that you would not be enjoying a nice latte in one of Pittsburgh’s fine coffee houses.

Liam Neeson contemplates the wisdom of signing on for The Next Three Days

The highlight of the movie, though, is John Brennan’s first attempt at breaking his wife out. First he learns how to make a skeleton key watching YouTube videos. Who knew? I just like to watch old football highlights and the occasional Irish music video. Anyway, he takes his homemade key to the jail and gets it around security with relative ease. He then tries to open a side door, but sadly breaks his key in the process. The police quickly notice the broken key in the door and lock the place down. They then reveal that they have security footage with a clear shot of the hall and the group of visitors with whom Brennan entered. In a show of masterful skill, the lead guard shows Brennan the video and asks him to point to himself in the video.

Brennan: “Uhhh, over here.” (pointing to middle of crowd)

Cop: “This isn’t you back here at the door?”

Brennan: “Uhhh…..no?”

Cop: “Okay, well if it is you then you might want to think about what will happen to your kid if both his parents are in prison.”

Brennan: “Got it.”

Then he takes the advice to heart and focuses on his kid rather than hatching an escape plan for his wife. No, wait, he breaks his wife out while barely breaking a sweat and spends the rest of his days hanging out with his family in a beautiful coastal setting. By the end of the movie, I was actively rooting for the demise of both the main character and his wife or at least to be overtaken by a Joe Biden-style nap. Sadly, neither came to fruition.

Joe Biden has the right approach for a viewing of The Next Three Days

Difficult Decisions

Whooo, hot times here at the house! Not hot times like there's an epic party going down for which you missed the invitation. Hot times like it was 81 degrees in our bedroom last night, since our upstairs air conditioning unit has officially given up the ghost. It has been a rockin' couple of evenings here, the heat not withstanding. Last night I watched a portion of the thrilling NCAA championship slugfest between Butler and UConn. I went upstairs to watch the second half in bed, only to find the TV on Bethenny Ever After. It was great, though, because I had really been longing to see the behind the scenes footage of the stressful time leading up to her appearance on the equally riveting Skating With The Stars competition a few months ago.

So there I was, all bummed out about having to sit through 20 minutes of inane footage of Bethenny and her squadron of handlers while the game moved into the critical second half. But the great thing about last night's game was that you could tune out for 20-30 minute stretches of time and miss no more than a handful of baskets. Actually, I'm not sure Butler stuck a single point on the board while I watched Bethenny fret about her 40th birthday party and the terrible stress she was under.

Tonight is a bit calmer, as I'm taking the opportunity to do a bit of reading. As a side note, I have that Comcast adult alternative music channel on TV and Mercy by Duffy just came on. That's song I hate just a little more each time I hear it. And just a moment ago, Duffy sunk even lower in my book. The channel runs little facts about the artist as the song plays. Normally you learn that so and so lists Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Jefferson Airplane among their influences, or that they first performed on stage when they were four at the local mall. Anyway, they just showed that Duffy became interested in the music industry after watching Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act. Phenomenal.

My biggest learning, though, came from the baby book I am trying to power through. I have no intention of stirring up emotions or any kind of eco-debate here. I was just honestly baffled to read a section on "diapering essentials". Specifically, in a very even-handed way the book laid out the choice of disposable vs. cloth diapers. Really? Is this book perhaps sold in Amish lands or as a package deal with those newspapers sold by residents of communes? Here's how the book lays out the downside of going down the cloth diaper path.

"The downside is that they don't always absorb wetness as well as disposables do, and you can sometimes have more leakage of urine and stool from them."

Wow, hang on, let me think this one through. That decision could really go either way, but I guess I'm leaning towards the option with...less leakage of urine and stool. I look forward to the next chapter, where I will undoubtedly learn the pros and cons of heating the nursery with a wood-burning stove.

The downside is...