Out of Control

Did you know that "Pizza Hut has lowered the price on everything on the menu"? No? Nor did I until I heard and saw a Pizza Hut spokesperson loudly belting this proclamation out on my computer at work while trying to catch a quick sports fix on ESPN.com. I made the mistake of clicking on a link from their homepage and on came the video ad in the corner of my screen. Hey, newsflash to ESPN and others- a giant chunk of your readers are either at work or some other place where blaring video is less than desirable. It's reminiscent of the overly aggressive folks manning the kiosks in the middle of malls across the country. All you want to do is keep the head down and make a beeline for Auntie Anne's Pretzels and the next thing you know you are brushing off some chick trying to force you to try out her special facial cleanser made with ingredients from the Dead Sea.

I certainly don't mind ads littering the sides of web pages, but you can't have the video, and especially audio, start running automatically when the unsuspecting viewer opens the page. Throw in the new phenomenon of these giant expanding banner ads and there are some otherwise solid websites that are about to lose me. It turns into a white knuckled stress-fest to see if I can shut off the Pizza Hut video without accidentally dragging my mouse over the Nissan ad on the side that turns into a full screen car, all before my boss walks by and thinks I'm watching a damn movie.

I guess we had this coming. We were offered the chance to pay for our Internet content and we balked. Paying for subscriptions was never quite palatable to most of us, and so the onslaught of banner ads started. And as I said, as long as they are restrained I am all for it. I don't even mind Yahoo! filling my entire screen with a picture of an apparently deranged girl who is so pumped about Yahoo and other social websites that she blasted her arms full of tattoos promoting them.

You might want to throw one on there for eHarmony while you're at it.

So ESPN.com, consider yourself warned. I may not be one of your "Insiders" who you have duped into paying you for "premium" content, but I still have rights.

The Audi is Gone Baby Gone

I bid an impromptu farewell to my car last week. As I mentioned in my last post, my not-so-dependable ride broke down on my way into Savannah for a work conference last Monday. The estimate I received the next day was, uhhh, not good. Specifically, the mechanic told me it would be at least three grand, and probably more. No thanks. So I made arrangements to have the Audi towed off one final time, with the proceeds going to charity. It was a bit surreal to be leaning against the front wall of a repair shop with luggage, golf clubs, and a tote bag full of everything I could grab out of my dilapidated "luxury" car watching it bounce down the back roads of a foreign town on the back of a tow truck. It did seem like a fitting end to the relationship.

So I'm in a bit of a scramble to get a replacement ride and generally feeling like things are just a bit off the rails. At least I did feel that way until a news story this morning gave me some perspective. I noticed a story about an actress from the movie Gone, Baby, Gone being arrested. I wasn't thrown off by that. Hey, it's not uncommon for the bright spotlight of fame to lead people down the wrong path and cause some poor judgment. But then I opened the article. Whoa. I understand that a mugshot is obviously not going to capture you looking your best, but that is brutal. Never mind the fact that she was busted trying to steal a used 32-inch TV. What, was the "need a penny, take a penny" bowl at the local QuikTrip too tough a heist? What's that worth, like $75? Anyway, this story appears to have a happy ending. As the article states,

Schwindt (boyfriend) told us that Quigg, who has two children, ages 8 years old and 19 months, is “addicted to heroin.’’ He said she’s at the CAB Boston Treatment Center doing a seven-day detox.

“She has a problem and, hopefully, she’ll get help," he said.

Fantastic. Typically a nice seven day run is more than enough to kick heroin.

Jill Quigg, looking good even before the start of an express heroin-detox session.

Road Warrior

I’m a creature of habit, a man of routine. My recent increase in work travel has forced me to try to become more flexible, though, which I think is a good thing. My wife might disagree, what with the night sweats and panic-stricken Sunday night dreams, but such is the price of progress.

So I hit the road again this fine Monday with a sunny spirit and a skip in my step. This time I was driving, not flying, and Savannah was my destination. I have to tell you that it’s quite tough to keep that smile plastered on your face when your car shuts down on you and the steering wheel locks up as you cross the scenic bridge over Savannah doing about 65 miles per hour. Mercifully, that noted Audi craftmanship kicked in and kept my car (which has given me troubles on more than one occasion) going until I found a nice quiet place to stop.

So after making peace with being at the mercy of a Savannah mechanic not of my choosing and watching the Audi assume its all too familiar spot affixed to the back of a tow truck, I made my way into the Savannah Westin hoping to get the evening back on track. Unfortunately, the check-in experience only added to my annoyance. After giving me my room key, the desk attendant informed me that I was eligible to select the "green option". This gave me the right to decline housekeeping services during my stay in exchange for a $5 gift card that could be used in Starwood restaurants. I have to admit that after mulling it over for awhile, it doesn't seem like such a bad deal. Given that in my single days I routinely bedded down in a residence that didn't see what would be referred to as housekeeping services for six month stretches, skipping two days of sheet changes isn't such a rough proposition. I think it was two things that bothered me. First, they really shouldn't present it to you as though you've qualified for an exciting offer. When I heard "You're eligible for...", I was envisioning a free canister of mixed nuts or perhaps an exciting free authentic Savannah souvenir. Second, it truly drives me crazy when such things are labeled as green. The only reason they offer it is because somebody somewhere crunched the numbers and figured out that the average total cost of cleaning a room is somewhere north of $5. I'm more than fine with that, but don't try to guilt me into accepting under false pretenses.

So after all of that, I've made my way to my admittedly pleasant hotel room and am watching what appear to be the final minutes of the Braves season. Bobby Cox looks pretty bummed out, but I'm giving him a run for his money.

Jim Mora and BP Undermine My Sunday

Greetings everyone, I apologize for the delay in posting. This update is coming to you from somewhere above Fort Defiance, Arizona (sounds like a nice place for a little R&R) as I return home from a quick business trip to Los Angeles. Actually, I’m not enough of a technology adopter to access wireless Internet during a flight, so technically it will be posted from my house just like every other one. By the way, did I miss a news story at some point concerning some kind of revolutionary new airline software? Somewhere along the way they figured out how to ensure that every single flight is filled to maximum capacity. It wasn’t that long ago that after taking my seat on a flight, I would watch the passengers file by praying that the seat next to me remained vacant. And there was a realistic chance of just such a blessing occurring, too. These days there’s not a chance in hell of that happening. How these airlines constantly teeter on the verge of bankruptcy is a mystery to me. Flights seem more expensive than they’ve ever been, they try to charge you for everything you would rationally expect to be a standard component of the experience, and they are apparently running flights at 100% capacity.

Anyway, a couple of things have been bouncing around in my head ever since I watched the Falcons game Sunday. It was a good one, with the Falcons overcoming a sluggish start to pick up a last second victory that moved them to 3-1 on the season. Still, a bit of the joy of the overall experience was lost right from the start when I realized that Jim Mora would be one of the color commentators in the booth. I assume having Jim Mora do the Falcons game was an intentional move by Fox, as it has already happened multiple times this year. Now I don’t profess to be versed in the nuances of the broadcast sports business, but my assumption has always been that your goal was to incentivize people to watch your programming. I must have been mistaken, though, because Fox is clearly doing its best to drive would-be Atlanta viewers away. For starters, his commentary is a toxic blend of absurdity and inaccuracy. He spent virtually the entire game heaping praise on the San Francisco offense and its interim coordinator, despite the fact that it managed to produce a grand total of seven points for the entire game (incorrect). He also blurted out with childlike enthusiasm that he had “goose bumps” after a play in which a defensive back broke up a seven yard pass attempt (absurd). Heaven help his fellow announcers in the booth if something exciting actually happens. Leaving his wayward comments aside, though, why would Fox think that Atlanta fans would want to listen to or see him in the first place? “Hey, you know what I haven’t thought about in awhile? The coach who led us to two straight underperforming seasons while acting like an immature jackass and going on radio stations talking about how it was his dream to take a different head coaching position.” That was fun, let’s relive those halcyon days a bit more.

"Hey Atlanta fans, remember how miserable Falcons games used to be? Who's up for a little more Jim Mora?"

So just when I had done my best to make peace with the sweet sounds of Jim Mora’s analysis, here comes one more ad from BP about how seriously they take their responsibility to clean up the Gulf in the wake of this summer’s tragic oil spill. Are these guys really this clueless about the American mindset? Do they not get that the public can’t be bothered to care about anything that happened more than a month ago? For the love of God, Mel Gibson is probably about three quiet months away from winning an Oscar, and Bernie Madoff could put out his memoirs and make millions at this point. We lack the ability to stay pissed at anything for that long…unless you keep reminding us! So on the TV comes Iris Cross with a serious look and a somber sounding voice. “I was born in New Orleans, my family STILL lives here,” she intones as pictures of bummed out fisherman and beaches flash on the screen. Oh really, Iris, then why the hell are you a corporate shill for BP?! I think I hate you, and oh yeah, now that I think about it, I hate your company as well. You already polluted the Gulf of Mexico, must you and Jim Mora collude to do the same to my Sunday NFL experience?

"Iris Cross, here to remind you that both I and my company suck."