Surviving a Quick Trip to Los Angeles

I kicked last week off with a 7:25am Monday morning flight to Los Angeles. Any week that begins with a 6:00am drive on I-285, followed by partially disrobing in the airport security line and then praying to the powers that be that your toothpaste and hair gel pass muster on the conveyor belt is going to be a tough one in my book. The trip took yet another turn for the worse when the European gentleman in front of me waiting to board the plane, sporting a shirt too short to tuck in even if had been so inclined and low-rise jeans, bent over for no less than a three minute stint to execute some sort of detailed rearrangement of the contents of his backpack. This wouldn’t have been overly problematic, except that his undersized shirt and jeans parted ways to reveal a most prominent coin slot. For a fragile mind such as mine, still stressed from doing nonstop inventories of my person to make sure I hadn’t left my watch or one of my shoes back at security, it was almost more than I could bear.

Thankfully, that marked the low point for the trip, for me at least. My comrades on the plane would quite possibly point to 30 minutes later when I woke myself up in a fit of snoring. In retrospect, I’m not sure my efforts to mask the episode with a false bout of sniffles and a subtle backhand drool wipe-off fooled them. At any rate, we all made it through. After arriving in LA I drove to my meeting, where my primary contribution was not repeating my sleeping episode from the plane. After the meeting, the plan was to visit two of my company's stores in the area. They were each 25 to 30 miles away, meaning I was signed up for some LA highway time. Spending the afternoon driving the area, I learned a few things. First, LA traffic doesn't seem as bad as it's made out to be. I suppose the more accurate explanation is just that Atlanta traffic is horrendous enough to inoculate you against the worst the nation has to offer. Second, Los Angeles has casinos?! Who knew? Maybe these are video casinos or something of the sort, but still. I had no idea. Thankfully I was far too tired to investigate further. Finally, there is apparently a huge market for radical weight loss surgery out there. I honestly swear that fifty percent of all billboards in the LA area are for 1-800-GET-THIN, which apparently provides lap band surgery. This is noteworthy, no? I thought the entire population of that city stayed rail thin eating tofu and sprouts.



That night I shook off the lap band billboards and treated myself to In-N-Out Burger, consumed in the hotel room. Enjoying a cheap meal in the hotel room is one of the absolute underrated aspects of business travel, and I am always more than a little heartbroken when my intentions to do so are undercut by well meaning fellow travelers looking to eat dinner together. No such worries on this trip, and so an otherwise brutal day on the road ended in style...assuming your version of style is cramming down a Milky Way from the gift shop of a Comfort Suites.

Overdue Post

It has been a rough week on the productivity front. The combination of the end of daylight savings time last weekend and the continually developing Cam Newton saga conspired to produce a lack of productivity noteworthy even by my standards. My workdays were spent refreshing Mississippi State, Auburn, and Alabama message boards in hopes of catching word of a new development on the recruiting of Cam Newton. For those of you who don’t frequent college football message boards, pat yourself on the back and do not under any circumstances change that. They are primarily the refuge of the unintelligent, the delusional, and the uncouth. And yet there I was, hitting F5 every five minutes, and trying to follow links to Twitter posts reporting whether Cam Newton did or did not attend the Auburn pep rally last night (he did not). Depressing.

Cam Newton, derailing Mississippi State's season and my work week

On the heels of accomplishing very little at work I would pack up for the day, full of ambition and ready to tackle some evening projects, including getting a new blog post or two up. Then I would set one foot outside into the pitch blackness that has descended on us since the end of daylight savings time and that was out the window. Try as I might, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was time for bed, even though every clock in the house claimed that it was no later than 7pm.

Meanwhile, my readership here at the old blog has likely been cut in half in my absence, meaning that I’ve gone from two relatives checking in to one and from 16 Europeans whose Google image searches for pictures of either Brigitte Nielsen or Justin Bieber erroneously lead them here down to eight. And then I arrive at home tonight only to find my spotty Comcast Internet service down once again. Damn you fates! It seemed that the universe was hell bent on preventing a new post. But then the clouds parted. Not only did I regain access to the Internet, but I found it full of crazy, quirky news.

And so I’m back! Back to make sure you know that sometimes when you make the late night run to the porn shop, you not only solve your evening entertainment quandary but score a lottery ticket worth $129 million. It isn’t surprising to learn that only one guy out of the group that pooled their resources to purchase the ticket was willing to reveal his identity. It was surprising, however, to see that he said the following:

"The only thing I can assume is that the Lord trusted us to do certain things with the money that He bestowed upon us," he (Mike Greer) said. "That's the only thing that I can gather."

Yes, Mike, I believe you are correct. The Lord, who does indeed work in mysterious ways, saw fit to guide money into the hands of you and your friends, trusting that you would use that money to buy porn and lottery tickets. Makes sense.

And that’s not the end of it. Next I ran into some news on my favorite industry, the airlines. Apparently Nepal Airlines, when faced with an issue with one of its planes, sacrificed two goats to address the issue. Fantastic.

“Hey, looks like one of the engines is down. Should we pull the plane back in for repairs?”

“Nah, boss says we’re running late. Just knock off a couple of goats and let’s get out of here.”

Is that a separate line item on Nepal Airlines’ income statement? I wonder if they have analysts that crank out spreadsheets evaluating whether to focus on plane repairs or additional goat sacrifice.

Get Ready to Embrace Air Travel Once Again!

I've been on quite a few flights lately, and without question the process is at best a nuisance. From chatty fellow travelers to lengthy security lines, it often feels less pleasant than the bus ride through Pakistan in Spies Like Us.

However, I think my fellow flying compatriots would all agree that one issue stands head and shoulders above the rest. Fix just this one issue, and the airlines will be back on the path to customer loyalty, an improved travel experience, and the return to bottom line profitability that would certainly follow. As I'm sure you've guessed already, the issue is legroom. Too little legroom? Passengers feeling like they've been shoehorned into their seats? Of course not! How ludicrous. No, the problem would seem to be excess legroom.

"If only her row was a bit closer, I could more properly affix my knees to the back of the seat."

Rest easy, though, weary traveler. The airlines have been laser focused on the issue and are close to rolling out a solution. Behold the "SkyRider", the new seats apparently set to be installed in coach in the near future.

The SkyRider, facilitating travel to faraway lands AND a three hour gluteus maximus workout!

Read the entire article if you are so inclined, but here's the key part:

The design, named the “SkyRider”, allows just 23 inches of legroom, which is about seven inches less than the average seat's space of 30 inches.

Shaped similar to a horse saddle, passengers sit at an angle, with their weight taken on by their legs. It allows seats to be overlapped.

The seats would also offer storage space including a shelf for carry-on bags and hooks to hang a jacket or a handbag.

The makers say the seat would allow budget airlines, such as Ryanair, to cram more passengers into their tight cabins.

It appears that currently this is primarily being sought out by low cost European carriers, and that it may also face safety regulation hurdles. Rest easy, though, for I have no doubt that their American counterparts will be on the case soon enough. Now if they can just cut back a bit more on the peanuts and pretzels and perhaps further restrict passenger access to drinking water, I think they might just have a winner on their hands.

Flying the Friendly Skies

So air travel's a blast, huh? I know this is news to no one, but it was driven home to me in painful fashion last week. I traveled to Minneapolis for a few days for work and was reminded of just how horrible the whole experience has become. The return flight was delayed, resulting in our landing at 11:30pm. As I still felt entitled to dinner, the end result was my sitting in the dark at home wiping the mayo off of a Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich at 12:45am on a Thursday night. Good times.

As annoyed as I was by that debacle, you can't get too upset about a flight delay of an hour and a half. The flight out on Tuesday was another matter, though. I'm not mad at the airline about this. I can't say I was actually mad at anyone, just very, very annoyed.

It started with me running a bit late (typical) as I rolled into the Atlanta airport. I pulled all the way up to the parking deck entrance before realizing that the only area with any open spaces was hourly. Faced with a time crunch, I hit the hourly zone hoping my employer would see fit to reimburse me. I then endured the misery that is security at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. You all know the drill- long lines, fellow travelers who missed the notice that you can't carry 48 ounce bottles of hair product through security since A DECADE AGO, stripping down to your boxers, redressing while your belongings continue moving down the conveyor belt.

So I was already in a state of semi-disarray as I stepped on board and headed for my seat in row 45. I was unaware that the engineers at Delta had even found a way to wedge that many rows in. As I finally arrived at row 45, I noticed a kid about 10 years of age already seated in the aisle seat. I was to endure this flight seated between him and a guy in the window seat halfway through a Domino's pizza he brought on board. The kid wasn't all that pleased with me at first. You see, he had already lowered his tray and set up a battle scene among eight or nine action figures he brought with him for the flight. And though he most assuredly enjoyed his enactment of some sort of battle for world domination among these action figures, complete with his replicating the sounds of flying and gunfire, I soon learned that there was something that he enjoyed even more- talking. Among the things I learned from my fellow traveler prior to his mom finally yelling at him to stop talking to me about three hours into the experience: there is some special feature to the chest plate in Iron Man's armor; he doesn't want to be a pilot because planes have too many buttons and he wishes they were like cars; he really likes Iron Man (this was proven when he put on a giant arm/wrist pseudo-weapon toy which he held up to the left of my face for a couple of minutes until I looked over; he would really like to meet Stan Lee, the creator of Marvel comics; he will never smoke but he might chew on cigars because that's not bad. I'm leaving out many, many things that I've managed to block from my memory. Did I mention that this flight was delayed as well and had no air conditioning in my part of the plane for the first hour I was on board?

I have more to say about airline travel in general, but I will save my complaints about people who recline their seats all the way back and the bag of eight microscopic pretzels they now serve you for another day.

A small portion of the scene to my left on last week's flight