Open and Shut Case

So here's a question just for the men. What's the proper protocol when you are forced to pee in the stall toilet rather than the urinal? I've never felt truly comfortable when faced with this dilemma, though it happens rather frequently. You walk into the men's bathroom, and there are a couple of occupied urinals and an open stall. Lurking behind the guys at the urinal feels a bit awkward, so you head for the open stall. But what's the next move? Do you close the door or leave it open? Closing it gives the appearance of a guy scared to pee in public. Leaving it open, though, gives off the creeper vibe of one who is inviting your fellow man to take an unnecessary gaze at your pee session.

I always end up devoting far too long to the situation and trying to appear casual while easing the door to the near closed position. Inevitably the door will slowly open as I pee, leading to thirty seconds of profuse sweating and panic.

A Lot Of Nerve

For sheer ballsiness, I’m not sure anyone or anything can hold a candle to the owners of assembly line burrito restaurants (I'm talking to you, Moe's). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge their general business model. In fact, the rapidly assembled burrito absolutely makes my list of positive cultural advances of the past 10 years.

No, my quarrel is with the travesty that occurs when you reach the register. Fresh off a five minute session of guiding your lunch from station to station, intently steering your burrito clear of cilantro, sour cream, or some other unwanted accoutrement, you arrive at what ought to be the easiest part of the transaction. Yet rather than mentally preparing for the upcoming elbow throwing session at the salsa station, you must first deal with the signing of the receipt- a receipt with a tip line brazenly plastered on it. So the tip is for what exactly? Not sneaking jalapenos onto my burrito when you saw me looking away? Approving my request for chicken rather than substituting tofu squares? I don't love the tip jar that sits by many a register these days, but at least you aren't forced to state your intention not to contribute before your meal is handed over.