The House Is Ready, The Dog Is Not

I know it’s been a couple of weeks since my last post, but I don’t want you to think I’ve been simply lounging around. No sir, it’s been a busy time here as we enter the home stretch of baby preparations. The wife and I spent an entire Saturday plus two additional hours on Sunday in a birth/newborn class. It was really a great way to pass the time, other than the 1980’s footage of uncensored childbirth. They showed four or five women, none of whom showed any interest in any of the following:

1) Pain medication
2) Wearing the hospital issued gown (i.e. they weren’t wearing one)
3) Avoiding sounding like they were in a low budget pornography film

I’ve also spent quite a bit of time assembling things, which is not one of my core competencies. I get derailed by soup cans that don’t come with the top you can pull off and actually require me to utilize the can opener, so it’s no stretch when I tell you that putting the stroller together nearly brought me to my knees. Then there was the bassinet, which required 39 steps to assemble. Granted, some of those were as simple as “insert 4 double-A batteries”, but nonetheless I just stood there staring at the manual with a combination of terror and awe muttering “39 steps…39 steps?!”.

In the end, though, I got it all put together (with some substantial help from my wife). So we were feeling pretty good about having our home just about ready for a newborn. And then an out of town friend came to spend the night with her five week old child. That's when our loveable, though perhaps mentally challenged, dog Reese came unhinged. She appeared to be prepping for a casting call for There's Something About Mary 2.

Replace Ben Stiller with a five week newborn to get the proper visual

Reese in more pleasant times

Now I'm no baby expert. I've skimmed a book or two recently and attended the aforementioned class, but that's about it. Having said that, my initial instinct is that you don't want your dog growling when your little baby coos or makes other cute little baby noises. Also, maniacally lunging at said infant and appearing as though her head might do a 360 degree turn akin to the possessed girl in The Exorcist would seem to me to be undesirable dog behavior.

And so I found myself online a few days ago hunting down a CD with baby sounds for pets and selecting the rush shipment option. In Reese's defense, we are pretty sure she is half crazy. She's also smart, though, and so we're holding out hope she'll get the whole thing figured out...hopefully more quickly than I was able to figure out the stroller.