Extreme Couponing

So here’s an interesting fact of which some of you may not be aware- turns out that having a baby in your care eats up quite a bit of your free time. As in, like, all of it. Don’t worry, though, I just got done lecturing my eight week old daughter about her monopolization of my time, and I’m fairly certain we made some nice headway. Granted, the conversation ended with her drooling out a large quantity of breast milk onto my shoulder, but it seemed like she got the message.

Anyway, one consequence of having a baby is a notable ramp up in the desire to find cheap deals. It sickens me to say that I watched nearly half of an episode of Extreme Couponing recently on TLC. Now I can take some solace in the fact that I didn’t seek out the show. My wife left the TV on the TLC channel, perhaps after taking in the latest riveting episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Either way, I didn’t make a mad dash for the nearest sports channel. No, I sat there watching a rather pitiable Midwestern woman clean out a store’s laundry detergent and Ramen noodles supply for something on the order of four dollars. They then showed her returning home to unload her haul in the overflowing stock room of her house. It was pitiful, and yet…a part of me was intrigued. How do these extreme couponers ply their trade with such magical frugality?

I put it out of my mind until I was at the grocery store last week and got behind a real live extreme couponer! This lady’s efforts were much more pedestrian than the mammoth shopping sprees shown on the TLC show, but nonetheless she managed to pocket roughly 30 large tubes of toothpaste and a similar quantity of bars of soap for less than one dollar. My anger towards her was palpable for two reasons. First, she pulled her routine directly in front of me in the express checkout lane. 15 items or less! Stingy cheapskate hoarders expressly forbidden!

Note to extreme couponers- the express lane is based on the number of items in your cart, not the number for which you are actually paying.

Second, as I watched her savings pile up and her amount owed to Kroger drop coupon by slowly-swiped coupon, I’m not ashamed to admit a bit of envy crept into my mind. By the time I completed my transaction, I was flat out depressed. She even had the nerve to turn around to me and the cashier as she victoriously departed and inform us that the purchase was for charity, intent on robbing us of the one thing we got out of the whole fiasco- seething bitterness toward her and her $0.49 purchase. As the cashier processed my items and my Kroger plus card savings were tallied, I confided in the cashier that I was a little embarrassed at my meager savings compared to the coupon lady. “No, no, four dollars in savings is still good”, she kindly replied. I did my best to express my gratitude for her pity, headed for the exit, and mustered up the moral clarity not to sideswipe the lady's car with my cart as I made my way through the parking lot. Maturity is difficult but, I guess, rewarding.