Hello Savings, Goodbye Sweet Youth

I'm old. Please understand that I'm not completely delusional, and so this isn't really such a huge mental breakthrough moment for me. Still, it's a bit jarring when you have that eye opening moment when it all comes into focus for you. For me, it happened while perusing the Atlanta Journal Constitution earlier this evening. I ran across the pile of Black Friday specials and decided to dig in and see if anything looked appealing.

And then it went off the rails. Soon enough I had mapped out a day of big savings. Luggage, Christmas gifts, high powered flash lights! Bring it all on! That's when it happened. When you find yourself excitedly shouting across the room to your wife that Walgreens has a buy one, get two free special on wrapping paper, you can kiss your youth goodbye. Actually, I guess you can kiss your manhood goodbye as well.

The pile of Black Friday specials that brought news of discount televisions and my entrance into old man status.

Anyway, with that moment of catharsis out of the way, allow me to turn my attention to Black Friday in general. Don't get me wrong, I was aware of the general phenomenon. Retailers look to this day to kick off a giant holiday season and usher in profitability for the year. I thought it was a relatively limited event, though, focused on things such as electronics and appliances that one might be looking to purchase as a gift. Not so, my friends! In the market for a 9,000-lb. heavy duty wench? This Friday morning only, you can save $100. How about a 30-ton vertical log splitter? You can score the unbelievable price of $1,440 this Friday morning. Much like the one year membership in the jelly of the month club, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year round.

I'll have to leave it at that, because I need to call it a night. Kmart opens at 5am, and the two for $11 special on batteries only lasts as long as supplies last. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Don't Feel Fine)

Have you read the book of Revelations recently? No? It's been awhile for me, too, but I'm pretty sure I remember the highlights. At some point I believe the dead rise from their graves, the ocean turns to blood, and a bunch of locusts wreak some serious havoc across the land. And if I'm not mistaken, wedged right in there somewhere it says something about NCAA football turning from the greatest sport known to man into a colossal piece of flaming poo. Well, my friends, I feel relatively certain that day is upon us.

As I type this, I have the Alabama-Georgia State game on television (42-7 in the second quarter). Why, you may be reasonably asking, would I have such a game on? Well, I read earlier today that big news regarding the Cam Newton situation could be breaking during this telecast. Of course, that info turned out to be false. This may cause me to swear off college football message boards, which would be the third time this week I've made such a declaration. Even if you rule out some of the more outlandish theories I've run across- my personal favorite was that the White House is suppressing the case against Auburn because Obama's press secretary grew up in Auburn and is a big fan- there is a ridiculous amount of evidence pointing to the fact that at a bare minimum Cam Newton is ineligible by the standards the NCAA has historically used.

Heeeere come your 2010 Auburn Tigers!!!

And yet he rolls on, flashing his goofball smile and leading Auburn straight toward the BCS National Championship Game. What I can't get over is that the NCAA has all but forced schools to sit players for infractions that are the equivalent of jaywalking compared to this. Mississippi State's Renardo Sidney was ruled ineligible for one and a half seasons in basketball because the NCAA believed (never fully proven, just suspected) that his parents received $11,800 in benefits while he was in high school. I just want to make sure you caught that- ONE AND A HALF SEASONS! And yet with mounting evidence that Cam Newton's father solicited and received $200,000, Auburn's "dream season" rolls on. Perhaps the NCAA will ultimately handle this, but it is looking more and more likely that Auburn will get to play in the SEC and national championship games before anything happens.

But even putting that aside, it feels like college football has lost its way. Lest you doubt me, have a quick look at the bowl schedule this year. It's bad enough that somehow the already bloated bowl lineup was further expanded this year to include the New Era Pinstripe Bowl and the Ticket City Bowl, but have you seen when the National Championship Game will be played? January 10! No, my oversized mitt did not accidentally hit the 0 after typing January 1. The game is going to be played nine days after New Years. If they slide it back a bit more we can just roll it into the NCAA basketball tournament and have a real winner on our hands. I guess they don't realize this or care, but people have moved on from college football by that time. It's something on the order of 45 to 55 days since those teams played their last game, which is just absurd. It would be like having the NFL playoffs end in late January as they currently do and then playing the Super Bowl in mid-March.

So things are looking pretty bleak at the moment. And while the NFL currently offers some solace, even that may be fleeting given the looming lockout at the end of the year. I would suggest stocking up on canned goods and bottled water. If we can't rely on football to get us through the fall, it may come down to a combination of Major League Baseball and early season NBA. And that, I believe, is the final sign.

Overdue Post

It has been a rough week on the productivity front. The combination of the end of daylight savings time last weekend and the continually developing Cam Newton saga conspired to produce a lack of productivity noteworthy even by my standards. My workdays were spent refreshing Mississippi State, Auburn, and Alabama message boards in hopes of catching word of a new development on the recruiting of Cam Newton. For those of you who don’t frequent college football message boards, pat yourself on the back and do not under any circumstances change that. They are primarily the refuge of the unintelligent, the delusional, and the uncouth. And yet there I was, hitting F5 every five minutes, and trying to follow links to Twitter posts reporting whether Cam Newton did or did not attend the Auburn pep rally last night (he did not). Depressing.

Cam Newton, derailing Mississippi State's season and my work week

On the heels of accomplishing very little at work I would pack up for the day, full of ambition and ready to tackle some evening projects, including getting a new blog post or two up. Then I would set one foot outside into the pitch blackness that has descended on us since the end of daylight savings time and that was out the window. Try as I might, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was time for bed, even though every clock in the house claimed that it was no later than 7pm.

Meanwhile, my readership here at the old blog has likely been cut in half in my absence, meaning that I’ve gone from two relatives checking in to one and from 16 Europeans whose Google image searches for pictures of either Brigitte Nielsen or Justin Bieber erroneously lead them here down to eight. And then I arrive at home tonight only to find my spotty Comcast Internet service down once again. Damn you fates! It seemed that the universe was hell bent on preventing a new post. But then the clouds parted. Not only did I regain access to the Internet, but I found it full of crazy, quirky news.

And so I’m back! Back to make sure you know that sometimes when you make the late night run to the porn shop, you not only solve your evening entertainment quandary but score a lottery ticket worth $129 million. It isn’t surprising to learn that only one guy out of the group that pooled their resources to purchase the ticket was willing to reveal his identity. It was surprising, however, to see that he said the following:

"The only thing I can assume is that the Lord trusted us to do certain things with the money that He bestowed upon us," he (Mike Greer) said. "That's the only thing that I can gather."

Yes, Mike, I believe you are correct. The Lord, who does indeed work in mysterious ways, saw fit to guide money into the hands of you and your friends, trusting that you would use that money to buy porn and lottery tickets. Makes sense.

And that’s not the end of it. Next I ran into some news on my favorite industry, the airlines. Apparently Nepal Airlines, when faced with an issue with one of its planes, sacrificed two goats to address the issue. Fantastic.

“Hey, looks like one of the engines is down. Should we pull the plane back in for repairs?”

“Nah, boss says we’re running late. Just knock off a couple of goats and let’s get out of here.”

Is that a separate line item on Nepal Airlines’ income statement? I wonder if they have analysts that crank out spreadsheets evaluating whether to focus on plane repairs or additional goat sacrifice.

Booooooooo!!!!!!!!

Does the title of this post refer to the sound made when one is extremely unhappy, often at a sporting event or political rally? Or could it be a reference to Halloween, the much ballyhooed holiday that has just come and gone for another year? Perhaps both are true, for if ever there was a holiday that deserved to be heckled and berated, this is surely it. Is there any holiday even remotely close to the level of annoyance that is Halloween?

I don't mind admitting that I am essentially a cranky old dude at this point, but even in my partying heyday I wasn't a fan. The initial idea of thinking up a super witty get up may be appealing, but the fun quickly fades once your mullet wig is scratching the hell out of your head and your polyester bell bottom pants are continuing their all night wedgie assault. Last year I bought what I believed was a humorous and not uncomfortable 70's one-piece jumpsuit. Only when I headed to the restroom for the first time did it dawn on me that I was facing the prospect of fully disrobing down to the knee level in order to execute an effective pee. Not good.

Not to mention the fact that there are just some disturbing sites that come with the Halloween scene. Sure you may run across a good looking cheerleader or nurse, but then you look around in the beer line and come face to face with these guys.



Okay, you may be saying, but Halloween is about the kids and good old fashioned trick or treating fun. And even though Halloween fell on a Sunday (something that the next Congress should take a long look at outlawing), I decided to get in the spirit and embrace it. And for awhile it went pretty well. I enjoyed passing out candy to the kids and seeing them having a blast. If only it had ended after that pleasant run- somewhere around 7:30pm when the time had come for holing up with a movie and ceasing human interaction. Alas, it did not. The trick or treaters kept on coming, and the average age trended decidedly higher. I'm fairly certain that I hooked up a couple of freeloaders older than me with some free Twix at one point. At about 9:30pm, after the last of the free candy had been requested and dispersed, my wife and I took our dogs out in front of the house. Only then did we realize that someone apparently felt that the two candy bars they received from us were inadequate and had helped themselves to one of our pumpkins on the way out. Classy.