A Night At The Movies

This post is for the guys…because I know what you’re thinking. Natalie Portman, she’s a good looking chick. And I need to get out of the dog house for inviting the boys over last weekend and leaving wings and half-empty beers between the sofa cushions. And hey, ballet is not my thing, but how much of the movie could really be actual ballet dancing. Yeah, why not, I’ll go see Black Swan.

And that is where I step in my friends. Consider it a Christmas present to you or just my good deed for the week. My advice to you- DO NOT DO IT. That is presumptuous, though, because what I look for in a movie may not be what floats your boat. As the theme song for the classic sitcom stated so eloquently, it takes different strokes to move the world yes it does. For example, just because I don’t prefer camerawork that is akin to 1980s home video footage of a child’s birthday party and that is so shaky and zoomed in that it merits nausea medication doesn’t mean others feel the same. And my feelings about watching a girl pick off her skin to the point of significant bloodshed 10 to 15 times in a two-hour period (not a big fan) may not be yours at all. But make no mistake, you are signing up for ballet. I mean, a lot of ballet. And visions of a dude in giant black feathery outfits using his position of power for sexual gain.

I won’t give away too much of the movie in case you are of a mind to see it. Just prepare yourself for a mixture of ballet and disturbing images…and not much else. I came out of it feeling like Ace Ventura immediately after realizing that Einhorn was a man, but maybe it’s just me. At least the night wasn't a total loss. On the way out of the theater I caught a glimpse of a larger than life cutout of Justin Bieber alerting me to his soon-to-be-released 3D movie, Never Say Never.

In two months these sweet red boots will look like they are coming right at your grill.

Say What?

Sorry for the lack of recent posts. Between Christmas errands, a lack of inspiration, and weather conditions that have dropped my core body temperature to a level that supports only the most limited and essential functionality, it has been a struggle. I was in a bit of a bummed out mood this weekend anyway, as this past Saturday was the first of the year without college football. Other than the Army-Navy game (which, all jokes aside, is well worth watching) and some FCS playoff games, the only thing related to college football that was on was the Heisman trophy presentation. I decided to skip that one, as the Heisman trophy doesn't do much for me in the best of years and certainly held no appeal with Cam Newton set to be the obvious winner. Given that there's about a 90% chance that, just like the one awarded to Reggie Bush in 2005, this one will be rescinded, one wonders if they even bothered to have the Cam Newton painting done to hang on the wall.

So by the end of the weekend, I'd say my mood was holding up about as well as the roof of the Metrodome...

Punting is likely to be a challenge in the reconfigured Metrodome.

Ahhh, but there is always something out there to brighten your day if you just keep looking. For me, it was the Big Ten that came to the rescue. Yes, if there is one thing the fine folks in the upper Midwest know how to do, it is providing a warm hearty laugh to fend off the falling temperatures. Actually, they are also quite adept at getting their doors blown off in championship games. Anyway, they released the names for their divisions today, and I can only assume that it was an early Christmas gift to lift the spirits of the cold and weary across the country. East and West? North and South? No sir, the Big Ten will be divided into the Leaders and Legends divisions. Bravo! That is fantastic.

Here's the rationale from the conference commissioner:

"The Legends, not too hard in that we have 215 College Football Hall of Fame members, we have 15 Heisman Trophy winners," commissioner Jim Delany said in an exclusive interview with The Associated Press. "We thought it made perfect sense to recognize the iconic and the legendary through the naming of the division in that regard. ... We've had plenty of leaders in the conference, that's for sure, but the emphasis here is to recognize the mission of using intercollegiate athletics and higher education to build future leaders."

That sounds good, much better than admitting that they couldn't create divisions based on geography because they wanted to split up Michigan and Ohio State. I don't know whether I will cringe or laugh the first time I watch Pam Ward kick off the telecast of the noon Big Ten game telling me with a straight face that "Wisconsin comes into today's game currently sitting second in the Leaders division, while Northwestern is struggling to keep pace in the Legends division." Actually I won't do either, since I won't be watching, but you get my point. A 12-team conference called the Big Ten with a Leaders division and a Legends division? Maybe there really is a Santa Claus.

Tough Duty: In addition to providing color commentary next to Pam Ward, Ray Bentley must now discuss the Leaders and Legends divisions of the Big 10 on a weekly basis.

Exercise Machine

During a brief respite from shoveling all manner of food in my piehole over the extended Thanksgiving weekend, I ran across There's Something About Mary on television. It was a pleasant trip down memory lane. I happened to be watching during Brett Favre's legendary cameo, in which he deadpanned "I'm in town to play the Dolphins, ya dumbass". It reminded me of a simpler time when I thought of Brett Favre as an old school gritty competitor who played the game the right way rather than an attention-starved egomaniac who sends pictures of his junk to hot girls 20 years his junior. (By the way, that article contains a picture of Jenn Sterger that just makes the whole story even funnier. "Hi, I'm Jenn Sterger. Yes, I am here to do a serious interview. No, I am not sure what happened to my t-shirt.")

Anyway, earlier in the movie there's a great scene where Ben Stiller picks up a hitchhiker. This guy, in addition to being a serial murderer, has what he believes to be a revolutionary money-making idea- a seven minute abs workout video. The premise was that this would put the well established eight minute abs video right out of business. Well, like much of the rest of this once-hilarious movie, that notion suddenly seems extremely outdated. How can that be, you ask? Look no further than the fine folks at ROM (The Time Machine)! Seven minutes for a quality workout? Hah! How about four minutes! That's right, all you need is three things:

1) Four minutes a day- check
2) $14,615- ehhh, maybe
3) The ability to successfully hop on board this bad boy...

Just put your foot right here and, wait, no! Hand, I mean your hand! Oh, the humanity!

Yikes. I thought that's what they put Khalid Sheikh Muhammed on down at Gitmo. Seriously though, the website is fantastic. I have never seen an angrier attempt at selling a product. The geniuses behind this contraption have no trouble letting you know that only one in 35 people who receive their free informational DVD end up purchasing the contraption. Why the low conversion rate? Could it be that it 25% of purchasers suffer a life-altering injury within 30 days of their first use? No sir, there are two primary hurdles.

The first one is the cost. While 15 grand might strike you as a lot of coin for an exercise machine, this is in fact the "absolute least expensive" method to improve health and fitness and is "far less expensive than...having other equipment at home". The even bigger issue, though, is "experts". I only put that term in quotes because that is how the makers of the ROM refer to them. The experts, you see, are "close minded" and will not be swayed from "giving their negative opinion or even ridiculing our ROM". Plus, they totally took away our cookies and won't let us play outside. Damn "experts".

So if anyone out there is looking for any last minute Christmas ideas, I think this is it. You or a loved one can drop 20 pounds in no time. Granted, it may be through the loss of a limb, but don't you worry about that. Letting those worries keep you from buying the ROM is letting the "experts" win. And I won't stand for that.

(Hat tip to my friend Martin, who sent the Fast Exercise link my way.)

Sticking It to THE Man

After dropping a game-winning touchdown pass in overtime this past Sunday, Buffalo Bills receiver Stevie Johnson was angry, and not just at himself. No sir, he wanted an explanation from the big man upstairs, as this Twitter post made clear.

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO... 5:12 PM Nov 28th via Twitter for iPad

God guides the football out of Stevie Johnson's hands during a critical play, unaware of the Twitter tongue-lashing he would soon receive.

You tell him, Stevie! Honestly, that requires some serious stones. It’s one thing to not believe in God in the first place. It is quite another to believe that God has the power to guide a football out of your highly paid hands on national TV and then tell that same God to cram it. And not even in an off the cuff slip of the tongue. No, Stevie Johnson took to Twitter, typed out his retort, and published it. Hey God, you like that 24/7 praise you've been receiving lately? Well you can forget it now, brother! Oh yeah, and I'm going to make change in the offering plate next week, too. Deal with that.

If I'm being honest, though, I have to say I don't really have a problem with Johnson's reaction to the situation. When I initially saw the story, my initial thought was to bash him. Anybody who does believe in God has had this exact thought at some point, though. Johnson just went ahead and pecked that thought into his ipad and hit publish instead of just letting it bounce around in his brain. If you read through his Twitter postings, you'll see that he softened his feelings soon after. Actually you would first learn that " YUNG N.A.Z CLOCKWORK MIXTAPE HOSTED BY: ZFBEATS COMING SOON", then you would learn that he softened his feelings toward God. So I say good for you, Stevie Johnson! Your spiritual honesty is to be commended. I might not stand near you in a lightning storm, but I applaud you from afar.