Well, while the world hasn't been banging down the door for a new post from this guy, I figured I'd give Craig a break and let him tend to his newborn daughter, his winged rats, and whatever else he does for kicks. Perhaps it's time to get back to the basics and do exactly what the subtitle of this blog promises - complain. I'd like to touch on the topic of language, aka, the stuff we say. I won't go after the obvious ones like our common misuse of the terms "ironic" or "literally" (mainly because I'm no English professor either) . . . instead I'll just point out a few phrases I hear often that I would like to see eradicated from the planet.
Disclaimer: I'm a bit of a half-ass curmudgeon in the sense that I ultimately believe in "to each his own", so if you do happen to use any of the following phrases, I promise I won't kick your dog:
1. "It Is What It Is": - now, had you asked me two years ago how I felt about this phrase, I would have told you that anyone who utters it should be forced to, well, watch me kick their dog. I have tempered my stance on this one a bit only because: a) it's wearing me down and every once in a while it's use actually has a sliver of meaning to me, and b) it is old enough now that nobody using it has that smug tone of "I am the most laid back person on the planet, hear me roar", which was certainly intertwined with its initial usage as it became popular among those getting tired of flashing the "it's all good" badge around town. So anyway, here's the overall problem . . . it means NOTHING!!! Just look at the phrase itself . . . it means . . . nothing. Biggest waste of oxygen in the history of our great civilization, other than when I tell people I only smoke cigarettes when I drink. That blue shirt is a blue shirt. Thanks.
2. "We are building a house" (past tense "We built a house"): To be fair, I am less enraged by this phrase than I am truly confused as to how it became so accepted in our culture, seemingly without any scrutiny. I remember as a youngster I would talk with adults that would casually state "I'm building a house", and my thoughts would immediately turn to "whoa, this guy's a badass" and then "I wonder how this dermatologist finds time to build a frigging house". Then I slowly realized that what this phrase really meant was that these people were simply "ordering" a house. You found some land, or maybe a real estate agent found it for you, and then you promised someone money in return for them building you a house. Hmm, sounds familiar . . . oh, I know why, cuz it sounds like every other transaction in the history of commerce! Just because you and your wife spent 3 weeks trying to decide whether the backyard should have a patio or a deck does not mean you "built" the house. So taking the easy joke here, I guess you also "removed" your appendix last year, or had the following conversation at a party: "My wife and I are building a fantastic SUV. It's coming along beautifully, and we're putting cherry maple in around the stereo."
"You did what, nancyboy?"
My suggestion: innocuously replace with "we are having a house built". Then we can be friends.
3. "Regular Coke is too sweet": I hear this one all the time and it's never quite sat well with me. I would propose that no human has ever tried Diet Coke and liked it in an organic sense - it's always affected by that person's desire to cut calories, etc. Most people train themselves to like the vile stuff, and for this I applaud them. Honestly. They have more willpower than I ever will, because I can't even do consecutive sips. Every once in a while a waiter will mix up the glasses and I'll accidentally go tearing into a straw-full, and at that moment my entire life flashes before mine eyes. And then there's the aftertaste. In other words, if John Pemberton invented Diet Coke in 1886 instead of regular Coca Cola, ol' Mr. Pemberton would have spent the rest of his life living in a cardboard box.
So here's where this gets tricky - there's just something about regular Coke being "too sweet" that carries a purist tone to it, much like someone who has removed all televisions from their house carrying on about how much better their life is. First, Diet Coke is hardly a minimalist's dream - there's enough artificial sweetener crap in there to make a slice of grapefruit consumable, so let's not get too proud of our newly matured palates. Second, you once liked regular Coke!!! That's what started this!!! Again, it's impressive that you taught yourself to enjoy the taste of artificial sweeteners more than good old high fructose corn syrup, but that is all that's happened here. Jared disciplined himself to lose 4,000 lbs. eating dry Subway sandwiches - surely he hasn't all of a sudden decided that a Big Mac tastes like ass.
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