Prognosis . . . Negative

***Post by Murls

I’m on the road a lot these days for work. I am also blessed/cursed with a bit of a low-rent appetite when it comes to lunch. This combination, in my opinion, qualifies me to analyze the nuances of our nation’s eateries, ad nauseum, no matter how little facts I may actually be working with. My wife would tell you that I can go on for days . . . for now, let’s pick one tiny category and get the ball rolling. How about “restaurants that are in a swirling death spiral down the turlet of inevitable failure”? Just 2 for now. Cool? Cool.

1. Burger King – sounds crazy to say it. Back in the 80’s it always seemed like Burger King was the formidable, albeit lesser, arch-rival of McDonald’s, the Pepsi to their Coke. Sure it was second fiddle, but the universe had to keep Burger King around just to ensure the proper balance of things. But somewhere between then and now, things went downhill, and this is before they pinned their hopes on a giant-sized KingCranium that is pretty funny but also kind of gross and in no way prompts me to sling processed meats down my gullet.

Really there’s just too much wrong with BK to list, but in a nutshell . . . their fries blow, their attempt at branding over the last decade has been a strange mix between non-existent, low-rent, and bizarre, and of course, 9 out of 10 BK Lounges are no cleaner than a set of motel sheets dipped in Hunt's ketchup and hepatitis.

Pop Quiz: Stare at this ad for two minutes and you’ll see: a) a sailboat, or b) Debbie Gibson preparing to fellate a 7 inch sandwich.

Burger King’s desperation can be seen in their constant churning out of gimmick foods – chicken fries, funnel cake sticks, seven-inch dong sandwiches, and most recently, ribs. Yes, ribs. But what will ultimately be their demise is the fact that they are hands-down the worst run of all the fast food chains. BK employees are long overdue for a Knute Rockne pep talk, or at the very least, some type of brochure that explains that they are actually working, at a job, where you’re supposed to . . . work. And not put boogers in people’s food.

OVER/UNDER of life on earth – 10 years. Papa bear has deep pockets and they can probably push their schtick on some 3rd world countries for a while.

2. Quizno’s – Hmmm, not sure what happened here. The first time I ever ate Quizno’s was in Cincinnati and it was definitely the first of its kind. Awesome. I think I ate there 3 times in the span of two days and then wrestled with fortnightly cravings upon returning home to the ATL. Soon enough, Quizno’s exploded into every town in America, billed as the nation’s fastest growing franchise. Then they pumped this little gem onto TV screens across America:

Holy bejeezus balls. I’m guessing their advertising firm was lined up, blindfolded, and systematically executed one by one after this sucker aired (although admittedly, the pepper bar line is pretty funny). But okay fine, mistake was made, and yet again one corporation learned the “disgusting rats don’t make people want to eat our food” lesson, the hard way.

I was able to power through this mishap, and I continued to hit the Q if it was in plain view. Yet even with my veteran status, I never quite understood how the frick to order at that place. Do I say what I want now, or do I wait until after my meat-laden bread plank comes out of that toaster? Oh, I order SOME of the stuff now? Okay, lettuce, tomatoes . . . what, those are after? Olives are now?! WTF!!!

Sounds nit-picky, but little things like that can often crystal-ball me the certain death of a franchise. Maybe after cracking the riddle of how to make their trays look like a “Q”, the big swingers up at headquarters were feeling a bit cocksure and got lazy. Understandable.

"Hundred bucks says you can't get it into the trash can."

Anyway, the novelty has certainly worn off for Americans, and other chains have popped up offering superior versions of toasted sandwiches (see Firehouse Subs), less commercials with rats, and less suicidal tendencies post-grub ("wait, that sub had pepperoni on it too?”). And so today I can hear the ringing of the death knell as Quizno’s scrambles to offer $4 torpedos, $3 bullets, and will soon roll out their $1 “throwing stars”, keeping consistent with the appetizing ammunition theme.

OVER/UNDER – 4 years. I take no pleasure in saying this, by the way. The poor franchisees jumped on it when it was hot, and my guess is that 90% of them never made any real money before the thing went sour. Now they’re just hanging on, hoping somehow the ship will turn around. It won’t.

Other Notables:

- Baskin Robbins: Yes I am heterosexual. I happen to appreciate a solid ice cream cone every once in a while . . . one man and his lickin' cone. Trust me on this call, Baskin Robbins is on borrowed time.

- Any mexican restaurant that charges for chips and salsa (you know who you are). Perhaps this is simply wishful thinking on my part.